I Hate Twilight Some More

So, there I was, trying to make myself feel better by reading stuff on FMyLife.com. I happen to come across a Twilight-based FML.

The Horror!

In a nutshell, this dude's girlfriend dumped him because he wasn't enough like Edward. If that wasn't bad enough, many posters actually vouch for Edward! (Though many others do say she needs a reality check).

This is why I need to barf on crazy Twilight fans.

-BJ

I Hate Abstinence

Lorenzo: Gosh, Angelita, I'm really turned on by your womanly curves right now.

Angelita: (takes off her bra) Wow. I feel super excited! Let's have sex!

Lorenzo: Alrighty!

(They get naked and take off all of their clothes. Both are really turned on.)

Lorenzo: Darn... I don't have a condom.

Angelita: Shucks.

(Both sigh)

Angelita: Wait! In sex ed we learned that condoms fail forty percent of the time anyway, which is close to fifty. So we might as well not use one, right?

Lorenzo: You betcha!

(Have sex. Lorenzo gets herpes. The End.)

This is why I should be president (and not a playwright)
-TS

PS: By "I Hate Abstinence," I mean "I Hate the Abstinence Only Movement"... but that was too long.

PSS: Yes, people really do talk like that. At least, if it's a rerun of Leave it to Beaver.

I Hate Makeovers

I've never actually individually rated the Top Model makeovers, but I thought since I got a new cut of my own, I'd take another peak at the girls of cycle 12. Besides, someone has to keep you distracted while TS comes up with a more intelligent blog. I'm only going to comment on a few makeovers, but I'll take requests in the comment section.

EDIT: 'Kay, our blog is being retarded, so you actually have to click to see the makeover. And, yes, I am aware that I could easily crop out the 'before' photo is a few sessions of paint, but I'd rather have the before photos there.

Best Makeover

I lost a bit of my love for Fo this week. Her makeover was the best, setting her apart from the rest of the pack. She looks way more model-y and a little less like the hot chick walkin' down the street.

Worst Makeover
She looks like a man in this picture. I'm not just saying that just because Sandra's my least favorite contestant. Hell, nobody deserves this sort of atrocity done to their hair. :o They should have just shaved it, or given her an edgy moe hawk, Naima Cycle 4 style. This mess? Tyra, wtf were you thinking?

I WAS RIGHT,RITE??!!
I called the platinum blonde weave! I must say, though, it suits her a lot better than I expected it to. And Allison hasn't trashed her appearance or anything yet, so the high-fashion girl of this cycle is really starting to grow on me. (Still want Fo to win, though. -crosses fingers-) Huh... she's got a lovely face-on shot goin' there.

Who the heck is that?
I must say, I'm liking this new look on London. She stands out more and the bright blonde makes her blue eyes pop. Seriously, I don't even recognize her! =o

A Step Up
This is a much better look for Tahlia. She's 18, but in the first picture she looks... not 18. After makeovers, she looks fresher, more versatile, and more confident. Rock those Beyonce curls, Tahlia!

This is why I should be President.

-BJ

I Hate Paris Hilton

I know dissing on Paris Hilton is so three years ago, but this is different. I'm not saying I hate Paris Hilton because she's a famous whore. No, this time I hate her because she's INFILTRATING OUR MALL! BJ's mom just read in the newspaper that PH will be at our mall today, which ruins our plans of going there!!! We were going to get orange chicken and go to Rue 21, but no, the universe can't allow that. Fuck.

This is why I should be President.
-TS and BJ

I Hate Purity

I feel it's only appropriate to write this blog, seeing as the new South Park episode tonight deals with the subject of Purity Rings, and the Jonas Brothers. I'd also like the read and review "The Purity Myth," by Jessica Valenti. (aka, possibly the coolest feminist in the entire world.)

My 'humble' opinion: Purity rings don't work. In fact, they make the situation worse.

I totally support anyone who waits for marriage. However, this is not because I support waiting for marriage. I support waiting until you're ready to have sex, married or no. If you think you're ready, nobody can stop you.

People who wear purity rings, and end up having sex anyways are most likely not ready because, since they have not been thinking of sex, they most likely they have not been thinking of contraception. Just sayin'. Also, if we take a look at www.purityrings.com, it's VERY religious-based. (Is that a word? No? Oh well.) Sorry, but I'm starting to sense some subtle and not-so-subtle slut shaming.

You took a pledge? Awesome for you, and I hope you can keep it. But don't look down on those who haven't.

This is why I should be President.

-BJ

PS- Hey, TS! I'm picking up your slack! Write a more intelligent blog, quickly, before our non-existent readers head for the hills! D= (j/k, I adore you.)

I HateTaboo Shit

Seriously, why must people suffer so that they can please society? For example, if your crotch itches, you've got to suck it up and wait until a bathroom break, despite the fact that there should be no problem, as long as you're not sticking your hands down your underpants. If you scratch on the outside of your pants, people shouldn't be so freaked out.

OK, that might be crossing the line, but what I really wanted to talk about was wedgies. When you're in public and you get a wedgie, you have to suffer until you think you can subtly pull it out. If it happens to everyone, why is it so shameful? Also, I know it hurts when a guy's pubic hair gets caught on the boxers, but they must also suffer until they are able to pull it off without anyone judging them.

Maybe the human race should stop being so uptight.

Also, I heard our new President lifted a ban on embryonic stem cell research or something like that. ;)

This is why I should be President.

-BJ

I Love Rush Limbaugh

No, really, I do! He says such wise things about the progressive movements that are obviously the downfall of society. His criticism of feminism has made me see the light. Before, I actually used to have ideals and beliefs that women were not treated with the same respect as men. Now, looking back, I find it to be very silly of me to ever have thought that women were ever discriminated in the workplace, frequently domestically abused (most unable to escape the situation and desert their abusive spouse? Nonsense!), or that the number of rape victims has drastically increased, even in prisons. And that the punishment for rape is one of the least severe in our society.

WTF was I thinking?! Phew, I'm so glad an intelligent man such as Rush Limbaugh showed me the way, telling me that I'm just an ugly woman trying to find my place in society! Now that I've seen the true motivation behind feminism, I no longer have ambitions to be a strong woman who puts herself through college to find a decent career. Instead, I'm going to devote my soul to the men in my life no matter what! All you FemiNazis just need to chill out and stop fighting for your rights. Take yourself and your liberal feminist agenda and GTFO! Like your silly progressive movements will ever accomplish anything in society.

This is why I should be President.

-BJ

PS- I think I just died a little inside.

I Hate Tyra

Whoot! I managed to nab the 100th post! Take that, TS! Uh... j/k. I adore you. Anyways, moving onto the blog:

Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. Yes, Tyra. You and your panel reached a decision; a terrible one, at that. But, of course we can't send the bitch of the house home just yet. It's only the first episode, and that would make this cycle too peaceful! [/mock] So, my new thoughts on all of the girls. Now is my time to scrutinize. -devilish grin-

Jessica- "Nobody has ever told me I'm ugly." Yeah, that doesn't make you a model, sweetcheeks. Confidence will only get you so far if you can't take a picture that pleases the judges.

Kortnie-Like her a LOT more on camera, though she's a bit reminiscent of Caridee (albeit, a brunette version). Her walk's alright, and her body's slammin', so I hope she goes to final 5.

London- Surprisingly not the bitch of the cycle as I intended, but , in fact, the pacifist. She's cool enough, but I'm not too insanely attached to her.

Natalie- Barely remembered her, at ALL. Totally quiet, with a barely-there personality. Hopefully, she steps it up a notch.

Nijah- Also don't remember her much, except that her skin was gorgeous when she walked in her swimsuit. Maybe she'll step it up a bit, as well. =)

Sandra- Fuck you, bitch, gtfo, and stop terrorizing everyone else in the house. It's one thing to be confident, another to be outright mean. Seriously, I'm so sick of your fucking attitude, and I'm sure many viewers agree with me.

Tahlia- She's 18? Well, I won't get into that again, and as admirable as I feel Tahlia is, the effect of your burns goes away if you mention it every 3 seconds. (Think blind Amanda from cycle 3)

Teyona- Not as pretty on camera, but I still like her. She hasn't done anything to make me angry and her picture was decent. Definite potential in her.

Allison- Who called it?! Yup, that right, the insanely smart BJ hit the nail on the head with this one. They even called her first for a confidence boost. She is the high-fashion girl with nothing else to give, and will probably fail commercials, thus forcing the judges to send her home.

Aminat- She is very pretty, but, as the judges said, very one-note. If she can give a softer face, than I'll get more attached. Actually, looking back, she reminds me of Stacey-Ann.

Celia- Good picture, weird chin, nice enough girl, but I'm just not feeling her. Perhaps it;s just me.

Fo- A talented top model with freckles? Thank you Tyra. Can this cycle get any better? Oh yeah, if Sandra had gone home.

This is why I should be President.

-BJ