I Hate This Shit

I'm attempting, in vain, it seems, to contact my local Werehnberg Theatre so that I can find out if "Ponyo" is showing on Friday.

Damn it, I want to talk to a real fucking person, not some robot who doesn't understand a fucking thing I say.

Are you really that busy that you refuse to talk to customers over the phone? Instead, you give me this unlikable robot woman who asks me to repeat myself, like, once before she gives up on me and I have to go through the whole process of calling the theatre and pressing the numbers all over again.

God, the Nintendo Company is more personal than you! At least I can easily get a hold of a real person on the other line.

This is why I should be President. (No more of this shit!)

-BJ.

I Hate Breasts

Yes, folks. Breasts are B-A-D! All breasts are plotting the downfall of societies everywhere, not to mention they are the reason so many teenage girls are getting knocked up.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Isn't teenage pregnancy rising because of the abstinence movement? Because schools are now refusing to teach teens how to properly put condoms on, and tell girls where birth control can be easily accessed?"

OF COURSE NOT! How can you be so stupid? It's because women are tempting men with their evil breasts. All women should just leave their dumb boobs at home. In fact, why are they out and about, and not making sandwiches in the kitchen? (Because boobs are making them do it, duh.)

Now, I go on my little rant about the evils of boobies because of the hot new toy stirring up controversy.


Baby Glutton comes with a halter top that has daisies in the boob area. When Baby Glutton is placed next to the daisies, it makes a sucking noise, imitating the act of breastfeeding. It's the hot new toy and I'm pretty sure it originates in Mexico... of course! Who else would make such a vile toy? How dare these Mexicans teach our children that breasts are for something other than tempting men to have sex with you? How dare you try and tell me that it's OK to teach little kids about the completely unnatural act of breastfeeding!

Luckily, Fox News is right alongside me on this one.

What did we learn today? Well, we learned that breasts are good for nothing except giving men something nice to look at. It's not like multiple studies show the benefit of breastfeeding or anything. Forget about keeping your child healthy; breasts are only for sexual pleasure (of men, of course) and have absolutely no important biological function.

This is why I should be President.

-BJ

I Hate Multiple Rants

I seriously couldn't decide which one to blog about first, but they're both fairly short rants, so I figured I could get away with posting two completely different topics in one blog.

To start off: I've already ranted about Taylor Swift once on this blog and how her songs play on the radio too damn often to be justified. Yet, I was listening to Love Story the other day (I'm too lazy to turn the radio off), and realized something I should have realized a long time ago:

Taylor Swift isn't fucking Country. Her songs shouldn't be considered country, and if you listen to them multiple times, you begin to realize what a goddamn poser this sad excuse for a singer is. Hell, I'd even accept (some.... SOME) of Miley Cyrus' songs because she at least has a southern accent. People should realize that Taylor Swift's songs are the farthest thing from country we are ever going to get, and she should be stripped of her title of being the first country singer to have a Top 40 song.

Excuse me, did Carrie Underwood disappear off the face of the earth or something?

OK, now we move on to the second rant, which follows the blog theme a little better, even though we haven't been doing that for a while now.... =D

Apparently, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided that the safety of women isn't worth having the state of California go into debt. He has completely cut funds for Domestic Violence shelters in California, jepordizing the safety of women in abusive relationships all over the state.

Now, given the "understanding" individual that I am, I would have understood possibly a 20% cut in Domestic Violence shelter budgets, as the state is in deep, deep debt. However, a recession is no excuse to leave abused women out of the budget. I can't possibly tell you how steamed I am about this; I can't convey such anger over the internet.... but I'll try.

Ahem; OMG WTF WER U THINKIN ARNOLD?!?!11!?!/1 U TINK DAT WOMEN DON'T DESRV HELP IF DEY R ABUSED U SICK MOFO?!.!.4693!!/! F U W/ SUMTING HARD & SANDPAPER-Y!-=5451*!!!?!!!/!!11

Not quite sure it that helps you understand how angry I am, and as much as I'd love to rant about this, I simply must lurk Feministing and internet in general to see what can be done.

This is why I should be President. (H4V M4ST3RD CH4TSP34K LOL)

-BJ

I Hate MJ

Dear Michael Jackson, (aka, King of Pop, MJ, the -original- Pedobear, etc.)

I'm sorry the media treated you as the butt of plastic surgery and pedophile jokes for the last who knows how many years. Now, being the two faced asshole the media tends to be, they suddenly find you cool now that you're six feet under and you can't make a comeback tour. I mean, if you had just taped a shitload of rehearsals ahead of time, you could've pulled a Heath Ledger.

I'll be honest, though, I think it was your fate all along, and you might've embarrassed yourself on the comeback tour, so God was all like "Fuck it, I'll just end this bastard's suffering right now."

So anyways, I felt kinda bad seeing you in a negative light my entire life then suddenly your heart stops and everyone's like "O YAH MJ WUZ DA GR8EST ILL MIZ HIM SOOO MUCH!!11ZSHIFTYELEVEN!!!111lolwhut" It really fucks up my perspective of you.

If it's any consolation (which it's not, 'cause you're dead! =D <--- Inappropriate smiley is inappropriate), I'd love to travel back in time and be your psychiatrist. I'm a good listener.

This is why I should be President.

-BJ

PS- I don't think you were a pedophile.... really......I never did..... swear to God.....totally didn't.....

PSS- At least you've got Ed McMann, Billy Mays and Farrah Fawcett with you to keep you company, yo. Bet my bird Patrick Swayze will join you next! =D (Still inappropriate...)

I Hate Avodart

All you women know what I'm talking about. That damn Avodart, the hot new prostate medication that is "only for men." Seriously, I've heard of sexism, but this is beyond my wildest feminist imagination. (But apparently me and a panda-spider protecting Michael Jackson from the police is not. <---Was a dream I had.)

Anyways, I was watching television, ignoring my duties as a popular political internet blogger, when SUDDENLY, I see a commercial for Avodart. At first the commercial seemed harmless enough, and I went back to slurping up shrimp ramen or doing stuff on my father's laptop. (Like watching Nostalgia Chick reviews.) When, at the end of the commercial, I clearly hear the narrator declare:

"Avodart is only for men."

OK, now my blood is seriously boiling. What wa selfish brand of prostate medicine! I mean, what the hell, Avodart? What am I supposed to do when MY prostate starts enlarging, and I can't control when I need to use the bathroom? Are you telling me that I, as a woman, just have to accept the fact that there are no prostate medicines out there for us, and that if we don't have adult diapers handy by the time our prostates enlarge, we're SOL?

Well, I say "fuck you" to Avodart and their selfish marketing.

This is why I should be President. (And obviously not a doctor. ;D)

-BJ

I Hate Liberals

OK, so I was a bit confused when I went to the political subcategory on Amazon books... because the main page is filled with conservative propaganda! (As opposed to liberal propaganda, of course...). The rank bestsellers (as of 3:01 am) are as follows:


1.Glenn Beck's Common Sense (Kindle Edition)- Glenn Beck
2. Glenn Beck's Common Sense (Book edition)- GB
3. Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto (Kindle Edition)- Mark R. Levin
4. " " " " " " " (Book Edition)- " " "
5. Catastrophe (Kindle Edition)- Dick Morris
6. " " (BE) " " " " ""
7. 5000 Year Leap (Glenn Beck Foreword)- W. Cleon Skousen*
8. not propaganda
9. 5000 Year Leap-W. Cleon Skousen
10 & 11. Common Sense- Thomas Paine (not propaganda... anymore)

12. Liberal Fascism- Jonah Goldberg

etc.


First, I don't like how Amazon lists the Kindle version and the book version of a book separately, but I guess the delivery might be off so people would comment on that. But still... I haven't seen a bestseller's list so horrifying since... well, since a few minutes ago when I was on random pages and Twilight dominated EVERYTHING.


And it made me wonder why conservatives were selling so many books... and then it hit me.


It's because liberals don't read.


I mean, we're too busy getting high and having butt sex and getting fetuses sucked out to read. But that shouldn't be an excuse not to buy the liberal propaganda... it would give you something to swat the Jehovah's Witnesses away with. And the rating on these books should be significantly lower. If I've learned anything from Amazon, it's that you don't need to have read a book to judge it, bash it, and completely trash talk fans of it based on the author and/or your personal biases toward the subject matter (take THAT Glenn Beck!).

But whatever you do, don't read! If we take a break from sex/drugs/killing babies, then the conservatives will have won!

This is why I should be president (because they don't read either).
-TS

*I didn't actually check to see if this was conservative propaganda... but it has a forward by Glenn Beck, so I would probably wager my life that it is.

PS: Bill O'Reilly's biography is four stars... that's crap. I don't care how well-written it might be, the subject matter is crap (looking at the person he is today, I'm pretty sure I don't want to read about his childhood). Remember- you don't have to read it to judge it.

PSS: I'm currently reading (while doing other things, mind you (like listening to death metal, a perfectly valid liberal past time)) Stephen Colbert's book, so this might sound like a parody.

I Hate Slipknot

I don't really know why I called the post that, but I did. I guess I don't really hate Slipknot... just most of their music. And fans (except for Mars... I don't hate her). But I digress.

I was listening to the song "Rock and Roll All Night" by Kiss earlier. For some reason I picked the live version. The first thing I noticed was that they were oddly motivational and nice:



Transcript: "Y'all having a good time tonight! Y'all feel important tonight, 'cause you are very important.Want y'all to know we love ya, we celebrate ya, we are proud to share this great country with ya, and no matter how tough times may get, y'all gotta take a little time to ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERYDAY!"

That struck me as odd. In my experience, rock and metal bands aren't supposed to be nice. At least, none of the ones I know of (the ones that claim to be hardcore, at least). Then I remembered a conversation I had with Mars a few weeks ago after she'd went to a Slipknot concert. She'd told me the things Slipknot had said to their fans (apparently "maggots" was a term of endearment... okay). So I looked up a video to demonstrate this. Unfortunately, I couldn't find one with all of the things she told me:



Transcript: "Now let's get it the fuck on, this song is called "Before I Forget." Here we are. I wanna see twenty thousand *censored censored censored something that's probably "in the air" censored*."

Side rant: The only reason I had to type "censored" was because I honestly couldn't understand what the fuck they were saying through the beeps. I hate when people censor things in videos that poorly.

While i don't really care that Slipknot says "fuck" a lot, probably using it "endearingly," it still makes me wonder... what's the point? I mean, KISS was pumping up the audience by complimenting them and boosting their egos... Slipknot pumped the audience up by cursing. Either way, of course, people probably were pummeled in mosh pits :)

It makes me miss the good ole days, when most rock and roll songs were about how great rock and roll was and how fucked up war was and all that. Now they're about... well, from what I can tell it's a healthy mix of whining about the government (which is fair game, I suppose) and whining about the pains of living in a developed "first world" country and shitting hundred dollar bills.

Not that I'm judging anyone, of course. And there are bands I like out there. And if you like Slipknot, that's fine. I'm not going to judge your character based on the fact that you like to watch grown men run around with masks on playing with lights (to be fair, though, KISS's make up was equally retarded... but they were first).

Peace out.

This is why I should be president (because I would actually follow the Bill of Rights

-TS